Wednesday, July 31, 2013

Goodbye Again

This New York summer is almost over and I officially have three days (this post has taken me a few days to write and every day I come back to it, I have to change the number) left in the city before I get my booty on over to California and spend some much needed time in good ol' Newport Beach. Scratch that-- My parents just moved and so technically I'm more of a 714 girl than a 949-er, but between you and me, I'm going to hold on to my elitist Newport mentality for as long as possible. 

Truth be told, this summer's farewell to the city will not be a difficult one. I'm quite ready to go. Although, give it a few weeks and I know I'll be jonesing for a good, long ride on the subway and the fantasy of the city will once again be elevated and glamorized in my memories. Just like every other time. This place has a history and a hold on me that is only deepened little by little and ounce by ounce with every day that I spend here. And between my tantrums and stubborn cold shoulder, it understands and sees a part of me that no one and nowhere else can.

It is with extreme confusion and thankfulness that I can call this the end of my third summer spent in New York. How in the world has that happened and how in the world am I so blessed? And man oh man, I cannot believe how quickly time flies by. Yesterday, I had some time to think and reflect on the opportunities that brought me to this city to begin with  four years ago and what exactly has brought me back again and again. Each summer and each experience so completely different, special and growing in their own way. I am in awe of it all. It is completely and only God who could have planned for such a vastly changing and remarkably timed life such as mine. There is just no other explanation.

This summer, with all of it's ups and downs (and more ups than downs, I must say), has had  a constant tension. And I'm sitting here trying to figure out what I mean by that and how to explain it so I don't completely lose you... but nothing's coming to me. (This is where I stopped blogging and left this saved on my computer for two days until I could figure it out.)

Alright. I think I have something. But bare with me because I'm about to lay down an a phatty, half developed analogy. And it probably makes no sense. Ok. So you're a kid. And you have this rope attached to you, right? It has tons and tons of slack and so you can wander from place to place, moving forward in your life and the rope barely affects you because it's tied to some sort of safety-- your home, your parents, going to school, just the general processes of a young life. Somewhere around high school you look behind you and notice that all of those safeties look pretty far away. The rope is still pretty loose, but there isn't too much more to mess around with. It's really time to start making smart decisions. So you finish high school and you go to college and you don't notice the rope for a while and then one day you look back and WHAM! There's absolutely no more rope to play with. There's not even a pile of rope on the floor anymore. All of the excess rope kind of just hangs there, slightly off the floor. Each day the rope gets tighter and tighter. Just enough to get you to finish college and graduate. Finally, one day the rope snaps. And it'll probably be about a week after college graduation. And suddenly, you are tied to nothing. You're fine-- nothing really changed about you in the seconds between when the rope was there and then when it wasn't, but there's just no more rope. And although your safeties are all still there and you can walk back to them whenever you want, you're no longer tied to them and you never will be. Everyone tells you that this is a good thing and that having no rope allows you to walk wherever you want and do kartwheels and go through doors and climb mountains and all that jazz that you couldn't do with a rope tied to your waist. But you just kind of want your rope back for like just two more days. Yeah? No? I told you this was half developed.

And so leaving this summer is causing a bit more pause than usual because I think it is the end of a significant time in my life and the mark of another one. The rope getting tighter. I can't wrap my mind around the fact that I'm starting my senior year in college. It blows my mind. And in less of a sentimental way and in more of an unavoidable car crash because I was too distracted eating a burrito while driving and not realizing that I was heading off of a cliff kind of way. This has (hopefully) been my last summer interning and if I ever spend such a long time in New York again, it won't be with a suitcase, but moving boxes in tow, ready to be up here for quite a while. I think I just felt my chest tighten. I still can't even really decide if I like it here.

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