Tired

I am going through something that I think I want to share.

Have you ever gone through a time in your life that just seemed harder? And not for a specific reason and nothing that is tangible or terribly hard is going on, but you feel like you're in the weeds? Well, over the last handful of months, I have been feeling awfully dry. Creatively bored, uninspired by what's going on around me, both in school and personally, and I've been finding it quite hard to be motivated by life. 

I think it started this summer. The day in and day out of depending completely on myself (and God) to see things in a positive light through all of the challenges was very difficult-- more than I think I really realize or give credit to even now. The experience of finally being thrown into the industry that I've wanted to be apart of  for the better part of my entire life was overwhelming and it, of course, was totally impossible for it to live up to the expectations that I had custom crafted for so, so many years. The good parts seemed great, but the bad parts surprised me and left me questioning everything (again) about my future and what I want it to look like. When it was all over and I was starting up this school year, I  was already in a place that felt so tired and drained.

It was hard for me to get myself to class, hard for me to pay attention, hard for me to remember what were the things that I loved about fashion-- and writing, for that matter. Finding inspiration and a reason to blog, something that in the past has been such a place of comfort and joy, has been really difficult. Even now that this quarter is over, it is still hard for me to really hit the reset button and a find a fresh start.

I'm struggling with who I am and what I want out of my life-- right now and for the future. But then I am reminded that I don't have any control over that... and so I struggle with that too. This is the sort of questioning that leads to questioning which leads to questioning which brings us back to questioning,  finally resting at the annoying answer of the fact that there simply is no answer. Frustrating.

This sort of thing ends up playing with my mood and my self esteem and how I interact with the people in my life. Even my sleeping has been affected (that fact that I, Julia Patton, am finding it hard to sleep... I think that pretty much sums it all up right there.) I just don't really feel like myself. Since coming home, my sweet mother, in a soft and caring voice, has mentioned a couple of times that I seem sad. And she is right, but when she asks me what is wrong, I don't know what to say. It's just life. And it's just a season. I'm not sure what the future holds, but I know that I am in His hands through it all.

I've been going back and forth with whether or not to blog about these trials because I didn't know what good it would do and, honestly, it's taken me about four days to write this all down, but it  felt like  something that I needed to. Through all of this, it's been difficult to take myself and whatever is going on seriously because I am so extremely blessed in my life and for some people in the world, my worst day would be their very best, but I also don't want to just gloss over an emotion that is real to me. Hopefully that makes sense.