My first day in New York.

Today is Saturday. The Saturday that I have been simultaneously praying for and dreading. I have no work today for the first time since I've been here-- really longer than that because of how rushed this last 10 weeks has felt. And with all the possibilities of the city finally available to me, I feel this overwhelming responsibility to spend these moments carefully. And really- to spend this summer carefully. In this single week that I've already been here, I have felt so much and given so much and changed so much. Something that is not easy for me to admit to.

I can already tell this summer is one of growth and challenges and pains but an incredibly special time.
Last night, I got home from work around 6:00- much earlier than the late nights I have been pulling since market started. I sat there, on my small bed, in my small room in the silence before I realized that all I wanted to do was sleep. So I did. I slept for 5 hours. When I woke up at midnight, I felt like I was trapped. Maybe I was still dreaming. So I went back to sleep.

I woke up this morning knowing that I must explore today. For some reason, the phrase "Explore or explode" kept running through my head. That made me laugh. So I got up. Changed clothes three time. Left my apartment and my two sleeping roommates and started walking. Towards the L train. I must go to Brooklyn. Brooklyn has been taunting me. Every day, at the end of work, I get on the L train to go home from uptown Spring St. and I always get off the train just before we reach Brooklyn. So I knew that I had to start there.

I've never felt so alone. I've never felt so alive.

I'm sitting in a coffee shop on Manhattan Ave. It's cold outside and a man with a three legged dog is eating the most delicious looking sandwich. How amazing would it be if I just walked up to him and his dog, said hello, took a bite of his sandwich and left. Ha! Maybe I will. I feel a bit reckless.

The tone of this post is like nothing I've ever shared before on this blog but I feel like its ok. This summer is already such a surprise compared to anything that I was expecting and an important experience and it calls for complete transparency.

I apologize for being less accessible to you all this week- blogwise, texting, calling. I promise I'm doing good.



(one last thing: I have a feeling that I'm going to maybe get a lot of concerned texts/ phones calls in the next 24 hours. Seriously. I'm fine. Haha. This is the first time in my whole entire life that I have been challenged in this way. It's good! I promise!)